Steps to Improve Communication in Relationships
In his research on couple relationships, John Gottman, PhD found that the presence of four communication styles are strong predictors of deterioration of relationships. He coined the term Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to refer to these erosive patterns of interacting: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As a therapist specializing in marriage therapy in Marietta, GA, I see the destructive fallout from these overly used patterns on a daily basis. If you want to improve communication and satisfaction in your relationship, I encourage you to eliminate these patterns as much as possible.
If you’re in relationship long enough, you are bound to experience things and behaviors you dislike in your partner. It’s healthy to be able to express a complaint if something is important to you rather than avoiding conflict and holding on to resentment. When addressing your partner, you have a better chance of being received well if you focus on the topic or the behavior and soften your approach. Avoid criticizing your partner’s character and speaking in generalizations.
In time, if criticism goes unchecked, it can easily turn into contempt as resentment grows. Contempt, the tendency to perceive yourself as a step above or superior to your partner, is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen. It’s often conveyed in subtle ways: eye rolling, smug facial expressions, and subtle put downs disguised through humor. Name calling, insults, and hostile comments are more obvious ways to demean your partner.
Eliminating the erosive pattern of contempt is a two-step process. Rather than making generalizations about your partner’s character, if you have a complaint, find a way to soften it by talking about how you feel and what it is you desire. Remember, just because you state what you would like, there’s not a guarantee that you will get it. However, you are much more likely to be heard if you come from vulnerability or a request than from criticism or contempt. In addition, to break the habit of focusing on what’s wrong, train yourself to continually be watchful for all the ways your partner shows up with thoughtfulness, kindness, and generosity in your relationship. Take the time to express your appreciations as you notice them. By paying attention to the ways your partner tends to you and the relationship, you can build appreciation and respect again.
Defensiveness tends to follow contempt. It’s the tendency to explain yourself and, in the process, dismiss your partner’s concerns. A vicious cycle ensues, moving from one partner not taking responsibility and the other growing in criticism and contempt. Sometimes defensiveness shows up when there is the perception of attack, whether an attack is present or not. Defensiveness includes making excuses and engaging in tit for tat. At this point, constructive communication stops.
To side step the pattern of attack-defend, take a moment to calm yourself and step into listening to understand. Do your best to get curious about your partner’s perspective. Try not to get caught in the need to be ‘right’. Take ownership or accountability if you have some responsibility in the situation.
Stonewalling involves the tendency to shut down and withdraw from a relationship emotionally. To the partner it can feel like punishment or abandonment as they experience the other as freezing them out. In reality, often the one shutting down is doing their best to regulate their emotions in an effort to not fuel the fire even more by saying or doing something they’ll regret. However, to the one being shut out, it’s a very painful experience. When stonewalling becomes frequent in a relationship, it can take a lot of work to right the ship again, especially when both partners engage in regular withdrawal and refusal to engage.
It’s important when you catch yourself stonewalling to request time away from the situation to calm yourself. Research shows it often takes 20 minutes to physiologically calm oneself internally- for some it may take longer. During this time out, take the time to engage in a behavior that is calming for you. Rather than rehearse in your mind all the reasons you’re upset and are entitled to be so, try to consider more calming thoughts, such as ‘though this may be an upsetting moment, overall, there are many qualities about my partner that I love and admire’.
If you find yourself struggling to implement these strategies to improve communication and you are motivated to eliminate negative patterns in your relationship, I’d be happy to coach you to make positive and healthy change. It is completely possible to turn your relationship around. Connect with me here if you’d like more guidance.
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: How You Can Make Yours Last, Gottman, PhD, John. Simon & Schuster, 1994.
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Gottman, PhD, John and Silver, Nan. Three Rivers Press, 1999.
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